


Sleeping With The Fishes

by Vorcha_Girl



Series: Shenga OT3: Kaidan / Zi Shepard / Vega [6]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Biting, Crack, F/M, Gen, Humor, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-21
Updated: 2015-07-21
Packaged: 2018-04-10 11:37:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4390382
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vorcha_Girl/pseuds/Vorcha_Girl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan hates Shepard's severed husk head for many reasons; this is one of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sleeping With The Fishes

**Author's Note:**

> _Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_
> 
>  
> 
>  **A/N - This fic features Kaidan, James & Zi Shep - who are my OT3. It was written as a response to the MEFFW Drabble Challenge! **  
> **Prompt:** Shepard's Fish  
>  **Characters:** Shepard  & Kaidan

* * *

 

"Whoa! Almost got me!" James chuckled as Shepard's severed husk head let out an ear-splitting screech and snapped at him. Its beady eyes focused angrily on the lieutenant as he amused himself by tweaking its nose. "I'm so glad Zi brought it back to the Normandy."

Kaidan finished sprinkling flakes of food into the fish tank. "I find it creepy," he muttered as it shrieked loudly. "And _annoying_."

"Annoying?" The Lieutenant clutched his chest as though wounded. "How could you say such a thing about Bitey?"

" _Bitey_? You named it?"

James rested his hand on the husk's head as it nipped at the air and tried to get hold of him. "Nah." He shook his head. "Zi named it. I just suggested it."

Kaidan shuddered as he hopped down from the stepladder and crossed the room to get the Jellyfish Chow and Eel Titbits. Try as he might, he couldn't understand James and Zi's love for the disgusting thing. He hated the way its eyes followed him around the room, he loathed the way it howled when he came near it, and he despised the way it glowed blue in the dark like a ghoulish nightlight. He'd tried convincing them to get rid of it – but they loved it like a pet.

It glowered at his approach and Kaidan glared right back at it. The husk head hated everyone, but it always looked especially malicious when Kaidan was near. Even Zi had noticed and commented that while her hamster Mango and her fish loved him, the husk head was far from being a member of the Alenko fan club.

"I wish you two would at least cover it up during the night cycle. I hate the idea of it watching us while we sleep," Kaidan muttered as he reached down for the jellyfish food.

The severed head growled and snapped viciously at his fingers, straining to reach him.

James laughed. "Man, he really doesn't like you!"

Kaidan ignored it as best he could. "It's an ' _it',_ Jimmy, not a 'he'."

The lieutenant shrugged. "You know, that kind of an attitude is why he doesn't like you."

"It's a husk! It doesn't like anyone!" he muttered as it snarled at him.

"I'm serious! You don't like him and I think he knows it. You're always calling Bitey an ' _it'_ and telling us to put him away or cover him up. No wonder he's cranky when you're around."

Its glowing eyes watched him unhappily, and Kaidan wondered if there was any truth in James' words. Probably not, but he couldn't deny that he hadn't made any effort to hide his desire to get rid of the head.

He sighed. "So what do you suggest? Read it poetry? Sing it a song?"

"Just be nice to him." James stepped back and waved him closer. "Go on - try giving his head a scratch. He likes it."

Kaidan's lip curled as he looked down at the husk's grey skin, blackened with what looked like rot and glowing from the synthetic implants.

He shuddered and shook his head. "No way."

"Oh, go on." James grinned, apparently amused at the sight of Kaidan balking before the husk head. "Bitey won't hurt you."

With a look of distaste Kaidan stepped forward and gingerly reached out a hand to touch it's rubbery scalp. It felt slimy and moist and he automatically pulled his hand back, intending to wipe his fingers on his pants. Only he never got the chance. One second he was drawing his hand away and the next thing he knew the husk head wildly jerked forward and fastened its teeth on his hands.

Kaidan bellowed as it chomped down on him and he wrenched his arm back, trying to dislodge the head. It didn't work; the husk's teeth stayed firmly entrenched in his skin as he flailed his arms wildly. The head growled as it swung through the air at the end of his arm; its eyes fixed maliciously on him. James danced around them gasping with laughter, and the lieutenant opened his omni-tool and began to record Kaidan's antics.

Finally, with a bright blue flash, Kaidan used his biotics to _Throw_ the husk off him and it flew through the air with a howl of fury and dropped straight into Shepard's fish tank with a quiet _sploosh!_ James' laughter abruptly dried up and he looked at the fish tank in open mouthed horror.

"Oh no."

Kaidan spared the submerged head a single glance as he ducked into the bathroom and rinsed his hand under the tap, using a strong antibiotic wash to clean the wound. He dried it and applied medigel, vengefully hoping the damned thing drowned. When he was done he returned to the main room and found James crouched near the tank, his face pained as he stared into the water.

The husk head had sunk to the bottom of the tank and was silently screaming in rage as the fish swam close to it. A few bubbles escaped from its mouth and the fish darted away, staying well out of reach of its violently gnashing teeth. Kaidan sunk down to James' level and the head turned its eyes on him, seeming to aim a furious look in his direction - as though it blamed him for its current predicament.

"Poor Bitey," James lamented.

"Poor _Bitey_?" Kaidan repeated in disbelief. "He mangled my fingers!"

The lieutenant tapped gently on the glass. "It wasn't his fault. Poor thing!"

The door opened behind them and Shepard strode into the room, coming to a stop and gasping as she caught sight of her precious husk head in the tank. She ran the last few steps to the tank and joined them on the ground, pressing both hands to the glass in horror.

"Bitey!" she gasped. "What happened to him?"

James cleared throat and answered, "Well, it's kind of a long story, but apparently Bitey likes the taste of Kaidan here."

Shepard's eyebrows shot up as she jumped to conclusions. "He bit you so you threw him in the fish tank? Kaidan! How could you!"

"It was an accident," the Major said with as much dignity as he could. "I didn't mean to _Throw_ him in the water."

"You _Threw_ him in the water?" She stroked the glass remorsefully. "Poor Bitey."

The lieutenant laughed and brought up his omni-tool. "Yeah, but on the plus side I caught it all on camera."

Kaidan sighed; he'd never live this down.


End file.
